The Rice Bowl

Early morning prom break ups

Prom is at my heels.  I really don't want to go, however, I beleive I have no choice, due to the fact that I am vice school captain (a position that h\no one has yet told me anything about and yet I've held it all year) and its the first prom our school has ever had.  I am involved in it because...well, I don't really know why, but there you have it!

Anyways.  There are no men here.  There is one that I have thought about quite a lot, wish he was somewhere near me, but beggars, you know, cannot be choosers.  Whatever, he's probably forgotten about me anyways.

I'm wondering how the normal courting rituals are going to happen when there will be about five women to one man....must be nice for all the guys.  Not all that nice for me though.  Socialising isn't something that happens for me.  Even when I was in the states, it never clicked.  I'm like an old woman, I'd rather sit on the couch reading a book or watching a movie with my family than going out.  I'm not sure I understand why people have the need to socialize so much as teenagers.  People spend their entire lives regretting that they never spent enough time with their family, but funnily enough, no one ever regrets not getting in enough socialisation chances.  My water polo coach in the states once told us that "there's a time and place for everything, and that's in college."  I believe that.  Well, not specifically the college part.  There's pleanty of time to do the things that you want, so why waste the time that you have with your parents and family?  There's going to be this entire period where I live by myself and I'll be begging to get out...so why not do my socialising when its needed.  Besides, I leave next year, why waste all my time partying and doing stupid things when I could be getting to know the people that brought me into this world.

Last night my dad, brother and I were watching a documentary on the Pope John Paul. My brother was cuddled with me watching when he turns and asks me "Amanda, why do people start wars anyways?"  I could have missed that.  Innocence wondering about why there is violence in the world.  And of course, I didn't have an answer.  Does anyone?

So theres my early morning prom break up.  No men and no want to socialize.  I'd rather spend the time hanging with my brother and his new found fascination in his older sister and hanging out with her.  There you go.  I may be boring as all hell to some people, but look what they miss.

Classically Decomposing

Sometimes you just want to runaway.  Sometimes you just want to scream at the closest person to you.  Some times you just want to cry for no apparent reason.  And at other times you just sit there and stare at the walls.  Maybe it was the fact that I had just read The Virgin Suicides again.  But it may have been something else.

Taking place in the Seventies in every other suburban town men reveal their secrets and tell their storries about the girls across the street.  The five Lisbon sisters that seen so irresistable and so untouchable.  The five gorgous girls who took their lives all in one year.

The book was adapted by filmakers and made into a movie in 1999.  I haven't seen the movie but I would like to.

While describing a debutante's party the men describe the girls who would become women in their neighboorhood.  The girls that could have been the Lisbon sisters, if they had survived.

"The girls were monsterous in their formal dresses, each built around a wire cage.  Pounds of hair were secured atop their heads.  Drunk, and kissing us, or passing out in chairs, they were bound for college, husbands, child-rearing, un happiness only dimly perceived-bound, in other words, for life."

Yep, that is the life a girl, a woman.  I don't blame them.  It's depressing really to know that that is what is in store for you.  Those very things that have been expected of us for decades.

There was another part where the first suicide victim had been asked why she had done it.

"Dr. Armonson stitched up her wrist wounds.  Within five minutes of the transfusion he declared her out of danger.  Chucking her under the chin, he said, 'What are you doing here, honey?  You're not even old enough to know how bad it gets.'  And it was then Cecilia gave orally what was to be her only form of a suicide note, and a useless one at that, because she was going to live: 'Obviously doctor,' she said, 'you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl.'"

Apparently so.  Especially when you know what you're life is bound for.

But all the same, the men describe their feelings about the suicides and the loss of the first and only true loves of their lives. The goddess' of their lives.

"It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls, but only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us calling, still do not hear us calling, up hear in the tree house, with our thinning hair and soft bellies, calling them out of those romms where they had went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide, which is deeper than death, ad where we will never find the pieces to put them back together.

Who Am I?

I really need to start writing things in here again.  I keep saying that I've been busy, but the truth is, I haven't been all that busy lately.  I have basically spent my entire week lounging about watching day-time drama....cough cough SOAP OPERAS cough...and reading mindless garbage.  It's been quite sad really, although I did go through a load of universities and send in my infor mation to them so that they'll send me stuff.  Other than that I haven't been doing all that much.  Nothing that I'm supposed to be doing...aka studying for my exams that are in a weeks time.  I just realized that I have a huge French assignment due on tuesday...I think...and I have done nothing.  So basically....I'm sitting up the creek.  But other than that, it's procrastination to the core and I'm not too worried about anything, although I'mm not sure if that's good or bad.

As always, I feel confuzzled.

I woke up this morning, far to early, and got into the shower to wash away my groggy-ness.  Standing under the spray I thought about what song to sing.  I do that alot.  I like to sing in the shower.  I remember when I first moved back to the states, I didn't know the national anthem...aka The Star Spangles Banner...and I was trying to learn it.  So I was singing it in the shower and some how I kept repeating the line "the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in the air, gave proof through the night, when our flag was still there".  Some how that line kept coming up and the song never seemed to end.  I started again and I finally got the words right.  I was singing it loud and proud....quite nicely actually since I was hitting all the high notes that I normally couldn't hit due to me low voice...not that I sound like a man or anything...just a boy, going through puberty (my description of what I hear).  "O'er the land of the freeeeee, and the Home of the Braaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvve!"  Then all of a sudden I hear my mum yell "PLAY BALL!" into the bath room and I jumped and pulled the shower curtain back giving this startled look that must have looked like a stunned fish with my mum laughing at me.  I was a little embarassed about singing in the shower after that, but you get over it eventually, right?  The acoustics in your bathroom are just brilliant, especially when you're standing behind the curtain with the steam rising around you.  You could make your own music video while singing into your wireless microphone cleverly disguised as a shampoo bottle and your dancing under the warm water singing your heart out to your water heater.

Some mornings it's "Wonderwall" or "Hopelessly Addicted".  "Pretty Girl", "Fly Me To The Moon" and the list goes on.  this morning was different.  While I'm dipping my head under the waterfall the lyrics to "Who am I?" come out of my mouth.  Suprised me too.  I'm not the typical Christian music person.  I thought that Taking Back Sunday was a Christian group until I looked at the lyrics.  Usually the closest you will get me to Christian is Switchfoot or Mae or a really good jazz song.  I didn't think I would remember all the lyrics, it wasn't one of the songs that I would constantly sing.  I sang it at Church on my birthday one sunday.  It was a hard song.  It's a good song for an ensemble with some one else there that can reach a higher note than a G...a person that doesn't have a hard time trying to sing a G note.  But, to my suprise, I got it.  Shaky at first and then there it was, like pure genius.  Keeping all the notes steady as though the music was right there with me.  Then I hit the last line asking "Who am I?" for the last time and half expecting to hear a piano finish out the song.

After I got out of the shower I realized that it was Sunday, and yesterday was the seventh...ironic...for me anyways.

While I was buttoning up my shirt I was thinking about the line "Who am I that you would recognise my name?"  And I wondered about all the amazing things that have happened in my life.  All the prayers that I have had answered.  Moving over here, living another day, getting out of Forest Grove High School alive and seeing my school again, Chloe, Shirley.  I am so blessed.  To think that there was a time when I didn't want to believe in anything, myself or anyone else.  My darkest hour had come.  But I was spoken to, I guess.  Know one knows what I went through.  I was like an imploding star.  I just kept everything to myself and I slowly sunk away.  I'm not saying that I was saved like I saw the light or Jesus came to me.  None of that happened.  I like faith though.  I like to say that I became the person I am today because I came out of my shell and saw faith there.  It had been there my whole life, I just never had the interest in learning or even trying it out for size.  But I did.  I was alone in my room sinking into the corner crying and yelling for someone to listen to me.  Someone did.  All those times I prayed to go home, they weren't answered by fate or chance, someone helped them along.

So I guess I have been rained on with grace and mercy and love.  Something so magical and wonderful and powerful that it makes me sit back and wonder "Who am I?"

Who Am I

Point of Grace

Over time you've healed so much in me, I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through
Though tough at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall,
Well I am grateful that you shine a light on me at all
Who am I… that you would love me so gently?
Who am I… that you would recognize my name?
Lord who am I…that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high who am I
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see,
And the more I sing that sweet old song, the more I understand.
That I do not comprehend this love that's coming from your hand...
Who am I…that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within,
Grace, grace, God's great grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin
Who am I … that you would love me so gently?
Who am I … that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Who am I
Who am I

Buy the bucket...or else

So we went out on saturday night for dinner.  We decided on going to the Japanese Resuraunt at the Garden hotel...maybe someone will throw a brick at our heads while we're there.  We find out the the place doesn't open until half five.  That's okay, we need to get some shopping done.

So off we go, to Park'nShop.  We get there and my brother and I decide that its boring sitting in the garage so we want to go to.  The whole family go shopping.  How lovely.

We get in there, and mum needs a mop...she sees the mops that she needs and grabs one.  This woman selling the mops starts yelling something at us, trying to sell something else.  Whatever...we leave and we go to the snacks and try to find these bloody wasabi nuts.

We're searching for these nuts when out of no where the woman comes up with a bucket and starts going on about how we need to buy the bucket with the mop.  We're sitting there going "We don't need a god foresaken bucket...we have one....we want the mop!"  So finally, she goes away after we're done yelling at her.  Phew.

Okay, back to the nuts.  Can't find them.  Going up and down the aisles trying to find these nuts.  But, OH MY GOD...There's that woman again...with another mop.  She starts yelling at me about how I have to buy this mop that she's holding instead of the mop in my cart.  So, we trade....I have no idea what that accomplished...but the point is...she buggered off...FINALLY!!!

Welcome to China...