I really need to start writing things in here again. I keep saying that I've been busy, but the truth is, I haven't been all that busy lately. I have basically spent my entire week lounging about watching day-time drama....cough cough SOAP OPERAS cough...and reading mindless garbage. It's been quite sad really, although I did go through a load of universities and send in my infor mation to them so that they'll send me stuff. Other than that I haven't been doing all that much. Nothing that I'm supposed to be doing...aka studying for my exams that are in a weeks time. I just realized that I have a huge French assignment due on tuesday...I think...and I have done nothing. So basically....I'm sitting up the creek. But other than that, it's procrastination to the core and I'm not too worried about anything, although I'mm not sure if that's good or bad.
As always, I feel confuzzled.
I woke up this morning, far to early, and got into the shower to wash away my groggy-ness. Standing under the spray I thought about what song to sing. I do that alot. I like to sing in the shower. I remember when I first moved back to the states, I didn't know the national anthem...aka The Star Spangles Banner...and I was trying to learn it. So I was singing it in the shower and some how I kept repeating the line "the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in the air, gave proof through the night, when our flag was still there". Some how that line kept coming up and the song never seemed to end. I started again and I finally got the words right. I was singing it loud and proud....quite nicely actually since I was hitting all the high notes that I normally couldn't hit due to me low voice...not that I sound like a man or anything...just a boy, going through puberty (my description of what I hear). "O'er the land of the freeeeee, and the Home of the Braaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvve!" Then all of a sudden I hear my mum yell "PLAY BALL!" into the bath room and I jumped and pulled the shower curtain back giving this startled look that must have looked like a stunned fish with my mum laughing at me. I was a little embarassed about singing in the shower after that, but you get over it eventually, right? The acoustics in your bathroom are just brilliant, especially when you're standing behind the curtain with the steam rising around you. You could make your own music video while singing into your wireless microphone cleverly disguised as a shampoo bottle and your dancing under the warm water singing your heart out to your water heater.
Some mornings it's "Wonderwall" or "Hopelessly Addicted". "Pretty Girl", "Fly Me To The Moon" and the list goes on. this morning was different. While I'm dipping my head under the waterfall the lyrics to "Who am I?" come out of my mouth. Suprised me too. I'm not the typical Christian music person. I thought that Taking Back Sunday was a Christian group until I looked at the lyrics. Usually the closest you will get me to Christian is Switchfoot or Mae or a really good jazz song. I didn't think I would remember all the lyrics, it wasn't one of the songs that I would constantly sing. I sang it at Church on my birthday one sunday. It was a hard song. It's a good song for an ensemble with some one else there that can reach a higher note than a G...a person that doesn't have a hard time trying to sing a G note. But, to my suprise, I got it. Shaky at first and then there it was, like pure genius. Keeping all the notes steady as though the music was right there with me. Then I hit the last line asking "Who am I?" for the last time and half expecting to hear a piano finish out the song.
After I got out of the shower I realized that it was Sunday, and yesterday was the seventh...ironic...for me anyways.
While I was buttoning up my shirt I was thinking about the line "Who am I that you would recognise my name?" And I wondered about all the amazing things that have happened in my life. All the prayers that I have had answered. Moving over here, living another day, getting out of Forest Grove High School alive and seeing my school again, Chloe, Shirley. I am so blessed. To think that there was a time when I didn't want to believe in anything, myself or anyone else. My darkest hour had come. But I was spoken to, I guess. Know one knows what I went through. I was like an imploding star. I just kept everything to myself and I slowly sunk away. I'm not saying that I was saved like I saw the light or Jesus came to me. None of that happened. I like faith though. I like to say that I became the person I am today because I came out of my shell and saw faith there. It had been there my whole life, I just never had the interest in learning or even trying it out for size. But I did. I was alone in my room sinking into the corner crying and yelling for someone to listen to me. Someone did. All those times I prayed to go home, they weren't answered by fate or chance, someone helped them along.
So I guess I have been rained on with grace and mercy and love. Something so magical and wonderful and powerful that it makes me sit back and wonder "Who am I?"
Who Am I
Point of Grace
Over time you've healed so much in me, I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through
Though tough at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall,
Well I am grateful that you shine a light on me at all
Who am I… that you would love me so gently?
Who am I… that you would recognize my name?
Lord who am I…that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high who am I
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see,
And the more I sing that sweet old song, the more I understand.
That I do not comprehend this love that's coming from your hand...
Who am I…that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within,
Grace, grace, God's great grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin
Who am I … that you would love me so gently?
Who am I … that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Who am I
Who am I